Friday, September 4, 2009

How to trust your partner

The best parts of being in a relationship are the moments of shared intimacy and trust. You have chosen someone to open up top, someone that you feel you can trust with your heart and soul. That is why it is so devastating to find out that he has been cheating on you. The aftermath of this revelation is hard on both of you - it is tough on you because your trust has been betrayed, and it is tough on him because he knows how angry and hurt you are.

It would not be easy - rebuilding trust never is - but if you remember a few important things, you can make your relationship stronger than it was before:

1. Rebuilding trust is something you have to do together.
This is going to be tough, because you are both very unhappy - essentially, you are working on a relationship with someone you do not trust. You may need to take a "cooling off" period, after which you agree to rebuild trust. But it will take both of you. If either of you is not serious about doing the work necessary to repair your relationship, you are sunk. Take some time to get clear, ask yourself if you want to work on this relationship, and whether you can deal with the problem of having had to live in the past. If you can forgive, and understand that most of our miseries come from living in the past, you have a higher chance of rebuilding trust in this relationship.

2. Acknowledge your emotions.
You are both going to be feeling hurt, angry and sad after you find out about his cheating. Both of you have to deal with your feelings in a mature, communicative fashion. You will want him to understand your point of view and the pain you are feeling - but you are going to also have to listen to him and try to understand how he feels, too.

Take care to make each other feel understood rather than dwelling on accusations and apologies. Try to see the situation from his perspective, and acknowledge his feelings verbally (statements like, "I know you are confused and angry right now") and own up to anything that you have done wrong, too.

3. Make the right kind of apologies.
"I'm sorry" is not a free pass, nor is it a reset button that puts everything back the way it was before. In fact, your guy probably blurted out "I'm sorry" as soon as he got caught, in the hopes that it would magically make the whole problem disappear. A genuine apology is not a token designed to appease your partner - real apologies, from the heart, only work after they have been given some thought. They also do not come with excuses attached - "I'm sorry, but ..." negates the apology entirely. Apologizing should not be seen as another opportunity to say you were right! If he offers you an "I'm sorry, but .." apology, tell him that you would prefer an apology that do not have a "but" attached.

4. Both of you need to make promises for the future.
These may be as simple as "I won't cheat anymore" or as complicated as "I promise to let you know where I am when I'm not at work." These cannot be demands - they must be mutually agreed upon things that can reasonably been accomplished, related to the problem of his cheating. And you need to be very clear that both of you understand what these promises entail.

5. The promises you make while rebuilding trust must be kept.
After all, lack of trust is the problem here. Promises made must be kept when trying to rebuild trust. If one of you breaks a promise during this period, the resulting anger and disappointment will make matters even worse. It can even do more damage than the cheating did, because it shows that even when you know that your relationship hangs in the balance, you cannot be trusted to keep your word.

5. Keep the lines of communication open.
It will take more than a few apologies and promises to rebuild trust. You will need to talk about your fears, appreciate each other's good qualities, continue to talk about the promises you have made to each other, and continue to strengthen the bond that solidifies your relationship.

Rebuilding trust after your partner cheats is a lot of work. But if both of you are fully committed to the process, you may find that your love can grow even stronger with better communication and respect.

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3 comments:

mrChemist said...

helo aunty! here's my blog:
mrnaqib.blogspot.com

didnt know u have one too~

Miss Blueroses said...

ecehwah... who's ur aunty???
i cant remember marrying ur uncle pon..

ahahhaahaha..same here..dunno pon u got blog..hehe

NanaNovella said...

i trust my partner!!! haha...sbb ape ye? hum..slagi die x de bukti menipu trust jelah..