Give yourself time. Don't expect to be able to forgive someone immediately. This is a multi-step process and will likely come in stages as you move towards acceptance of what has happened. How much time it takes varies from individual to individual, so don't compare yourself to anyone else.
Allow yourself to work through and process your own feelings and emotions before you attempt to forgive your partner's betrayal. Go to see a therapist, journal, read books/articles on affairs, and look at on-line support groups. You must get all the emotions out that you are dealing with. Don't allow anyone to minimize them. These are real, painful, and must be dealt with and expressed so you can heal and move forward.
Join a support group. It helps to have a group of people to support you who have been through the same thing. You will find people at different stages in the recovery process. This helps you to see how far you have come and where you are headed. You can find support groups by searching on-line. Support groups are often available at local churches, community centers, or at counseling centers. There are also on-line support groups. I recommend a face-to-face group over an on-line community if possible.
As you continue to heal and express all the emotions that have surfaced, you may find yourself able to look at your partner's actions with less anger. When you get to the point where you can listen to and understand the reasons that your partner cheated, you will be on your way. Again, this is not condoning their actions. This is looking at them with compassion and understanding that they acted the way they did to satisfy their own needs. As heartless as this sounds, it helps to understand that their actions were not about you. You are good enough, attractive enough, smart enough, etc... The person they cheated with is NOT in some way better than you! Understand, know, and believe that your partner's actions really had NOTHING to do with you. They were done because your partner needed something and he/she went about getting it in a way that hurt you tremendously.
Work to recover your
The more you are able to focus on yourself (your healing, your self-esteem, your recovery), the better you will feel eventually. After you have allowed yourself recovery and healing time, you will get to a place where you have space in your heart to look at your partner with greater compassion. Say every day: "I forgive (Name) and let go of my hurt, anger, and pain." Forgiveness for me came in stages and they were not always consistent. I found myself moving forward and then moving back a step or two. This is normal so be easy on yourself.
Set boundaries for yourself. Healthy boundaries are needed for you to recover and heal. It is impossible to heal when you are still in a situation where your partner is cheating or where you don't know if he/she will again or not. If you decide to stay with your partner, set boundaries and limits that allow you to feel safe. If you need to know your partner's schedule to the minute, then state that. You may ask to see their telephone, e-mail, credit card, bank statements etc... to verify that they are telling the truth. That's okay - it is up to your partner to earn your trust back if you want to keep him/her in your life. Regardless of whether you decided to stay with your partner or leave, forgiveness is essential so you can move forward with your own life.
A final stage of forgiveness is looking at the good that has come from the situation. What positive experiences, ideas, etc.. came about because of what you went through? In the middle of chaos, there is always opportunity. Take this opportunity to transform your life into something better, brighter, and more empowering than ever before. When you are able to forgive someone who has betrayed you, you will look at the world with a new perspective. You will be more able to separate people from their actions and look at them with compassion rather than judgement. Looking at the world in this way, opens up so many doors for you and those around you. My life has been completely transformed by my experience. I am more grateful for everything in my life because I know it can be taken away at any moment. I am more loving, more compassionate, and more able to forgive because I was able to forgive something that I once thought was unforgivable. I love myself more, take more time for myself, and feel happier and more peaceful than I ever have. I have recommitted to developing myself in every way and being the best woman I can be. Keep in mind that this didn't happen overnight. It's been a little over two years since I found out and I've done a lot of healing work to get to the point I am today.
Remember that tomorrow is not promised. Every minute we have is precious. Why waste it being upset at someone? And what if that person won't be there tomorrow? Being angry is not the way you'd like to remember that person.
Let go of who is right or wrong. That is not important. What is important is maintaining a
Think about the reason the argument started. It almost always is something unimportant in the whole scheme of things.
Realize that arguments are most often misunderstandings and that hurting you was probably just the end result, not the intention.
Make the first move. Especially if you are dealing with a stubborn person. Just call him/her or reach out.
Keep in mind that ending an argument is beneficial for both of you. Hurt feelings weigh a lot and can be a burden for both of you.
The bible says love keeps no record or wrong so why do we keep records. Some people have a naughty list longer than Santa's toy list. When we hold things against people we are actually hurting ourselves. You may say how can you prove this, well here's how. Whenever you think about what someone did to you in the past what happens to your emotions. Are you still jolly like Saint Nicholas, are you still thinking happy thoughts. If you feel your emotions starting to change that is good indication you haven't let go.
Of course you can't forget what happened but you can let it go. One of the ways to let it go is to make amend with that person you have something against. Every time you relive that moment you are making it harder and harder to let go. Don't relive your moments make new ones. Whenever you feel yourself starting to journey in the past stop yourself, and start thinking on good things.
One thing you can do is write a letter to yourself or to God about everything the person did towards you. After you read the letter take it and burn it. By burning the letter you are symbolizing to yourself that you are letting go. You can also read the letter to the person, sharing how you felt and feel even now about what happened in the past. Sometimes we cant let go because we never got the issue of our chest.
As long as your bury your feeling they are still buried. Unless you let them resurface. This is why reading the letter to yourself or to the person will help you to let go. If you have to cry, then cry, but the point is once you let it go don't go back to that place move forward.
Play the act repeatedly in your mind. Whether it is a harmful word or an action, if you replay it in your head you eventually will attain genuine grudge holding mode. When you actually try to let go of the pain and move on from the incident, it is more difficult to hold a grudge. Why make life hard?
Cling to bitterness. This is the key to holding a grudge. No matter who hurt you, retain the bitterness that you feel toward that person for having the audacity to be mean.
Retaliate. To really hold a grudge, don't just sit with your pain. The thought of revenge will emerge, and you should take advantage of your need to retaliate.
Tell your friends. When telling and retelling a story, it helps to relive the experience and share your pain with others. As your friends begin to take your side and support your grudge, you will find it easier to hold onto.
Take the easy route. Forgiveness is difficult. By holding fast to your grudge, you are obeying the words of that Zen sage who advised us to follow the path of least resistance.
Decide to move on. You expend more energy holding a grudge than you do letting one go. Make the choice to clear up the mental space occupied by this resentment. Once you choose to move on, the grudge will gradually dissipate.
Honor your feelings. Resentment builds when emotions go unacknowledged. Take the time to get clear about what you're feeling and why. Take action accordingly. If you have something that needs to be said, say it. If you have already voiced your grievance, then resolve any other feelings yourself.
Accept what is. Stop waiting for signs of remorse. Chances are the other person has already put the issue behind them. You may never get an apology, but that doesn't mean you should continue to indulge resentment. Be the bigger person and put the incident behind you.
Forgive. Forgiving someone doesn't exempting them from their actions. It doesn't change the facts. If you have been legitimately wronged, then forgiving doesn't mean you have to forget. It does mean that you acknowledge that the person is human and that we all make mistakes.
Shift your focus. Look at the good things about the person. Find the positive in the situation. Maybe you learned a lesson and discovered something new about yourself. Changing your viewpoint will help you release resentment.
Don't feed the monster. Once you've voiced your resentment and committed to moving on, don't continually talk about the offense. If you find yourself thinking about it, mentally change the subject. If someone brings it up, explain that it's in the past and you don't want to dwell on it
